The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.