Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*watches the world burn*
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town