I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
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HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
cry laughing at this shit
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.