Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”