me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
You Might Also Like
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
“A little help here, Danny?”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.