The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
waiting for halloween be like:
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.