I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Cndnsd Mlk
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.