As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.