Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Sheep
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO