if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Pigeon open mic night.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Unexpected Judgment
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Natty or not?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Jail