Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
You Might Also Like
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
What if all the cashiers are married?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.