Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 馃槄
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I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you鈥檝e all been doing a good job without me.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
When reading a friend鈥檚 work, always remember, it鈥檚 helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there鈥檚 a doctor I鈥檓 hoping I鈥檓 not the only one
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
If it鈥檚 the thought that counts, I鈥檓 a serial killer
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it鈥檚 done with all this.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That鈥檚 an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
RT if you could go either way.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
What鈥檚 the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?