Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
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Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.