GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”