*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.