taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.