I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
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Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?