Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
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Basketball games are very squeaky.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch