Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
when you order from DoorDastardly
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here