Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
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My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.