Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest