As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
✌🏽
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’