My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
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me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*