It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
You Might Also Like
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
how to have an accident 101
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look