I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A