If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.