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me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
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My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.