We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”