Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
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[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Spa day..😅
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
dutch is not a serious language
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor