Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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Why aren’t more people talking about this?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.