A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
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If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!