I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
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The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Going into Monday like
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”