co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.