[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
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2 years later
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”