I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
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Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.