Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
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Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
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Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”