My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
You Might Also Like
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
@funTweeters
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.