mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.