Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
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There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
*orders delivery*
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.