90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
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obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I need this for my side hustle.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy