Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.