“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
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The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day