Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.