When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
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sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
they really do be looking like this
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.