my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
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The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”