Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time