If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator