A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Life cycle of cat
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.