Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
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Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…