“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
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“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole